WELCOME TRAVELERS OF THE HALLOW WOODS (April 21, 2025)— Now, there's only one job I've ever been outright fired from. A travesty if ever there was, now hear me out, it was a certain bottling plant northwest of Charlotte, North Carolina. The job was about as menial as it gets, the pay the same, and on how I was getting along, y'know, it was all horse manure and rainbows for the first couple of months. However, the exects, big wigs, whoever, whatever was behind marketing was, and I'm not foolin’ around, so incredibly, very pretentious that they actually dared to label a product, "Excellence." In other words, they were literally attempting to bottle excellence.
Now, I should have just done my job, kept my mouth shut and powered through it. But I tell ya, late one evening, boss man just come right up at me and says, “Lenwood, no excuses, just zip it, you're outta here!” without so much as a friendly “howdy-do.”. Yup, that's right, as soon as I ran out of piss for those bottles, well, I guess they figured they had no more use for me.
Incidentally, I did have a long illustrious career selling my armpit hair to make shawls for raccoons after that.
Lenwood S. Sharpe, Director
Lumberwoods, Unnatural History Museum
Parts Unknown, The Woods, U.S.A.
